The Real Secret

I think the only way to keep yourself from becoming bitter when others hurt you is to offer up every single tear for the salvation of their souls.

I was praying to Saint Joseph and begging him to not let another man come into my life only to break my heart. I don't know if he will keep them far from me, but I will offer up the hurt for hope of their future, because it's the only thing that can make it all worth it. But please Saint Joseph, protect my heart because of your fatherly love!

But we had time against us and miles between us

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up
I'll do everything different
I'll be better to you
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again
I put my hands up
I'll be somebody different
I'll be better to you

The Underdog of Candy

Recently I've been seeing an influx of advertisement for Kit Kat bars. I remember growing up, and October 31st after October 31st I would asses my loot and candy would be ranked, separated, stolen by my mother and finally enjoyed. Chocolate candy was far superior to the nerds and smarties. With Reece's cups as the front runner, not closely followed by Snicker's, Milky Way and maybe finally a Three Musketeer. The Kit Kat was then eventually enjoyed sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas by default after the consumption of the others. I, personally have sometimes treated the Kit Kat as second rate but maybe it's worth a second look, and deserving of our respect. I propose that it's design was not a mistake and the combination of wafer and chocolate accompanied by the ability to "break me off a piece" is simple but brilliant. Not all candy can be Reece's cups and not all days can be 70 degrees and sunny. Not all TV can be Say Yes to the Dress and not all breakfast can be pancakes, because when would you have room for a skillet or a scramble? It's the differences that make life great, especially I think, when it comes to people. The freedom to be ourselves and be appreciated for being unique, and not required to be what we are not. While some might be considered best by popular opinion, I believe that out there...somewhere...some beautiful soul chooses the Kit Kat as their very favorite. Why else would they still be presenting them in the candy isle after all this time? Room to be ourselves and accepting others for being their selves would make this a much more colorful and interesting medley. So, let's give one another a break, and enough of a chance.

The Times They Are a-Changin'

I remember when good looks was enough to get a boyfriend.

My how the times have changed. You have to be able to create a singles profile just to get noticed these days. But really, why are people single so much longer now than my parents generation? What on earth are people looking for? What are MEN looking for? Or better yet, what are they waiting for? And, for crying out loud, where are all the good ones?

All of a sudden, I was 26, and I was exactly who I always wanted to be.

"Father, I'm going to be 27! What am I doing with my life?!?"

That's what I shouted at my spiritual director last week. Twenty seven years old. That's what I'll be. Granted, that's more than half a year away, but I really just started to understand that I'm twenty six. I spent the better part of January and February feeling sorry for myself. I was awfully busy comparing myself to others, being jealous of them, and beating myself up for not being more like them. What a waste of time! I was completely miserable over it and took a downward spiral which turned into me walking around everywhere with a dark cloud over my head. I was short and cranky with almost everyone, because I wasn't happy with myself.

Until Jesus intervened.  He reminded me of His love. It's enough. His love is enough. He is the source and only cause of my joy. He listens to the pain, holds you tight, and has the remedy. And then I realized that I was going to be twenty seven and I have a relationship with the Lord. I know Jesus. I pray. He loves me. It's like in a way I'm everything to Him. So, twenty seven doesn't seem so scary. And twenty six, not married, waiting tables, and still somewhat financially dependent on my parents is not only "not that bad" it's perfectly wonderful, because it's right where He wants me to be. I can face all of it with joy because He has heard all my prayers and brought me to who I am now, exactly who I always wanted to be. Being His.

Dream Big and Then You'll End Up in the Stars or Whatever.

I have a few dreams these days. I would like to find a new job, with weekends off. I would like to move into a little place of my own that I can make adorable. I would like to buy a few dresses and ride my bike around town. And if I get all this maybe I'll get a little doggy, or big doggy and then I'll have a little buddy.

So far though all of these have been very difficult, because they all depend on the first...new job. I'll do anything...mostly anything that has a regular schedule. I have a college degree for crying out loud! Does this mean anything anymore? Maybe my dreams are just too big...or maybe they are just around the corner.

I hope so...and then maybe someday I can dream of houses with porch swings and a husband to drink iced teas with. So far I guess these are my plans.

But...

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11


Are these the plans that you have for me Lord? Or do you have other plans? Are you calling me to something more than dogs and bikes and being a girl? Am I holy enough to accept your calling on my heart? Or does this heart, and the desires of this heart need a little work? 

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Jesus, form my desires, so that it is not my desire instead of Your will. Come clean house in this heart of mine before you give me the desires of my heart.

The great paradoxes of my life, January 2012

I love apples, one of my very favorite foods. Supposedly so healthy, yet they make me so sick.

Jillian Michaels helped me achieve my ultimate goal of being able to fit into my jeans, yet I still hate her.

I've been acting like a bit of an idiot. I can acknowledge that I am being an idiot, and I can even anticipate that I'm about to do and say idiotic things. But, for the life of me, I just can't seem to figure out just yet how to not be an idiot.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

                                                                                                                       -Mother Teresa

You're Never Fully Stressed Without A Smile

Women are so ugly when they are unkind. And obnoxious when they are bossy. They are no fun when they are stressed.

Men are ridiculous when they are fussy. And are silly if they don't like beer. They are unattractive when they are selfish.

"Gonna wash my soul, gonna get it clean" -El Camino by Amos Lee

"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it away; it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell." Matthew 5:29

I am such a sinner. And instead of trying to just get by, committing the same sins over and over or even worse, committing grave sins maybe is should actually make a change in my life. How am I expecting to change my life without making a change. And I can't make the change, God can make the change, but I'm not even asking him to. Instead of waking up late, rushing to work, getting busy sinning with my right eye, left eye, right arm, and my TONGUE, I could finally do something about it. Maybe faith was really easy for me at first, and it felt like sins left my life like scaled falling off my eyes, its not the case now. And it's time to be a big girl and actually act like I could use the help. It's about time for me to finally be radical about changing my life. PLUCK IT OUT! Unfortunately, it wont be as easy as removing my eye. I need to start begging for grace. I need to stop coasting on the relationship that I currently have with the Lord and start striving a little bit. It's unfortunate that I had to learn the hard way that I'm in desperate need of conversion, but if I didn't chase after Jesus right now I would have completely lost. And be even more of an idiot. 

Pray for my soul! It's been two steps forward and eight hundred back. One day I'm praising the Lord and thinking about how eager I am to do penance for sinners, but the following day I can't even keep my own soul out of the fire. I hate sin. Let's get away with it. Before it's too late.

Every Moment of Every Day

"You are not the sum of your weaknesses and failures,but rather, you are the sum of your Father's love for you."- JPII

No matter how many times I feel like a screw up all day long, I have infinite love waiting for me at every moment.

Love Hopes All Things

Tonight when I was looking in the mirror, I realized that for a moment I wasn't picking myself apart and I could see I was beautiful, and believed it in my heart. For a minute. And I am one of the more confident girls I know. What are we going to do about this crisis of hating ourselves?

Pablo's Cafe and the way of perfection

I found the ultimate, all time best hipster hang out!!! It's called Pablo's Cafe, and you can walk to it from Mother of God Catholic Church. If you get there by 11:15, you have just enough time to enjoy an oatmeal cookie and a glass of milk, and still be able to receive Eucharist at the 12:10 Mass. Well, that's what I did at least. I'll break it down for you...guys wearing winter hats indoors, short well managed beards, blank stares, dark thick rimmed glasses, chess, two dudes playing chess, a guy rolling his own cigarette right next to me outside the window, extremely androgynous individual in fedora on a bicycle and people reading books - but looking around to make sure other people can see that they are reading books. I heard talk about bands and art shows and awkward, awkward, awkward hello's...because it's hard to be genuine when you're trying so hard to be cool, but not look like you're trying to be cool, but still trying to be really cool, or interesting, or knowledgeable, and most importantly original. It was glorious! I can't wait to go to observe. Next time I'll be sure to NOT be wearing dress pants and jcrew necklace...whoops. I'll pull out all of my scarves for this one, and by that I mean wear every single scarf I own at one time.

At Mass today, before the Eucharistic Prayer, Father read a prayer that we could be like St. Jerome and follow his example. Father stopped and looked up at us to say, "Be like St. Jerome? But he was so difficult and really wasn't easy to be around. He drove everyone away and was antagonistic. Whoever wrote this prayer doesn't know who St. Jerome is." We were all cracking up in the pews. I was thrilled to find someone who lives in the real world. It's so refreshing when someone can be reverent and fun and they aren't worried about "acting" pious.

Blog Pants

The hardest thing about blogging is finding the time...finding the time to do anything is the hardest thing.

I have a math equation for you. Proverbs 31= Ephesians 5:25-30.

Proverbs 31 is such a confusing passage. Who is this woman? I bet all the Martha girls out there really get her. I consider myself to be more of a Mary, so the fact that this woman can do back flips while she makes ridiculous amounts of clothing while also feeding her children, is somewhat disheartening to a girl like me. However, I love the following... "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the days to come." This requires a deep and intimate relationship with Jesus. I screw up more than anyone I know, and if you know me, you would have to say the same. It is not easy to "laugh at the days to come" when I feel like I am continually making trouble for myself. Only when I spend sincere time with my Maker, do I find that I am able to do so. Of course there is the frequently quoted "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." This would be more comforting if every mother, not just King Lamuel's, taught her son this little tidbit. The most striking part for me though has always been, "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." A woman who is kind, is truly a good woman. I gravitate toward these women. I do not gravitate toward the buys bodied ones who like to let me know how much they have it all together, because they smell bad. Nope, thats not true, because they never smell bad, they just give me a bad taste in my mouth, that I usually have to wash out with an excessive amount of coffee and dance party.
How much was Our Lady like this woman? As the Spouse of the Spirit, this girl really had it goin on! I can't picture Our Lady running around like a mad woman all the time, just getting things done, accomplishing every task. I see her so much more at peace than that. What I do know about Our Lady is that whether or not she was able to laugh at the days to come while anticipating her deep sorrow, she kept all these things in her heart. She made her heart a home. A home for the Spirit. I have been thinking some lately about how to make my heart a home. I could let my heart be a place where people could come and not feel rushed or busy, but welcome to be themselves. A home where they could be free to share their troubles and equally free to look like an absolute idiot. A place where they would not be judged but encouraged. I have much work to do on this home in my heart. How fortunate that "He who began a good work in me will complete it" Phil 1:6.

But men, Ephesians 5 is your wake up call. Loving your wives like Christ loves the Church, laying down His very life for her, is a tall order. Good luck. I'm prayin' for ya. I think the key is that while your wife is making her heart a home for you, you can be preparing to lay down your life for her. This way, husband and wife can do their very best to attempt a total act of self-giving, where as Dr. Asci would say..."the lover wills the good of the beloved". While we were all thinking about how he was a real life vampire, Asci was trying to communicate to us that there is work to do in this whole Christian marriage thing, and not just that he hearts gaming.

Suffering from a lack of purpose...

"I’m gonna live where the green grass grows
Watch my corn pop up in rows
Every night be tucked in close to you
Raise our kids where the good lord’s blessed
Point our rockin’ chairs towards the west
And plant our dreams where the peaceful river flows
Where the green grass grows"
Tim McGraw


A friend of mine, or more like a ridiculously good looking male acquaintance, spoke with me recently about how many times we don't know what to do or how to move forward in our lives because we lack an awareness of our own purpose. Discovering our purpose will somehow remedy our confusion. I know for myself, that I rarely consider my own purposefulness. Does my purpose consist of getting myself to Heaven and taking you with me? If so, while this is a beautiful purpose, it doesn't help me determine whether I will turn to the left or to the right so long as both directions are good. Does my purpose rely on my gifts and talents? This is the scarier question. If you asked me what I consider to be my gifts, you would most likely roll your eyes or think "oh, that's cute". I'm good at giving people attention, smiling at them, lightening the mood and making sure everyone is having a good time. Does this mean that my purpose is to throw parties every night of the week? How will I make a living doing so? Can I move up, win awards and achieve success in order to prove that I've accomplished life? And can you point me in the direction of such a career?

"Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" Jeremiah 29:11
While the pressure of the world, both secular and Christian at times, is telling me that I need to make a mark for myself in order to show that I'm working hard and growing up and making progress, the desires of my heart are much more basic. My desire is for time. I want time to bake, time to run marathons, time to listen to you and time to grow in virtue. My desire is for adventure. I want to see the Eiffel Tower, tip over in a canoe and ride in a hot air balloon. My desire is to give you smiles and tell you that you're wonderful. I would like to share in your suffering and rejoice in your joy. I desire to drink iced tea with my future beloved on my future front porch. 

"Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour." Matthew 25:13So, if my time is short, maybe my purpose should be using that time wisely. The wisest choice would be to follow my heart. A wonderful, holy and bearded friend talked to me about the importance of our hearts. The images of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary are maybe trying to tell us something, he says. This is that our hearts are important.
So...what the hell is my heart telling me? If I figure it out, then maybe I can tell you what I want to be when I grow up.

"Just follow your heart. That's what I do." Napoleon Dynamite

Immaculate Heart of Mary...pray for us

First Blog

Doing my darndest to try to become a Hipster.