All of a sudden, I was 26, and I was exactly who I always wanted to be.

"Father, I'm going to be 27! What am I doing with my life?!?"

That's what I shouted at my spiritual director last week. Twenty seven years old. That's what I'll be. Granted, that's more than half a year away, but I really just started to understand that I'm twenty six. I spent the better part of January and February feeling sorry for myself. I was awfully busy comparing myself to others, being jealous of them, and beating myself up for not being more like them. What a waste of time! I was completely miserable over it and took a downward spiral which turned into me walking around everywhere with a dark cloud over my head. I was short and cranky with almost everyone, because I wasn't happy with myself.

Until Jesus intervened.  He reminded me of His love. It's enough. His love is enough. He is the source and only cause of my joy. He listens to the pain, holds you tight, and has the remedy. And then I realized that I was going to be twenty seven and I have a relationship with the Lord. I know Jesus. I pray. He loves me. It's like in a way I'm everything to Him. So, twenty seven doesn't seem so scary. And twenty six, not married, waiting tables, and still somewhat financially dependent on my parents is not only "not that bad" it's perfectly wonderful, because it's right where He wants me to be. I can face all of it with joy because He has heard all my prayers and brought me to who I am now, exactly who I always wanted to be. Being His.

Dream Big and Then You'll End Up in the Stars or Whatever.

I have a few dreams these days. I would like to find a new job, with weekends off. I would like to move into a little place of my own that I can make adorable. I would like to buy a few dresses and ride my bike around town. And if I get all this maybe I'll get a little doggy, or big doggy and then I'll have a little buddy.

So far though all of these have been very difficult, because they all depend on the first...new job. I'll do anything...mostly anything that has a regular schedule. I have a college degree for crying out loud! Does this mean anything anymore? Maybe my dreams are just too big...or maybe they are just around the corner.

I hope so...and then maybe someday I can dream of houses with porch swings and a husband to drink iced teas with. So far I guess these are my plans.

But...

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11


Are these the plans that you have for me Lord? Or do you have other plans? Are you calling me to something more than dogs and bikes and being a girl? Am I holy enough to accept your calling on my heart? Or does this heart, and the desires of this heart need a little work? 

"Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Jesus, form my desires, so that it is not my desire instead of Your will. Come clean house in this heart of mine before you give me the desires of my heart.